Testament Read online

  The incident ought to have been a sign to us of Yihuda’s growing power over Yohanan. In any event, his bad influence was soon clear enough, for we awoke one day to discover the two of them had run off together. We’d been given no warning of their departure and so I understood it was the Canaanite’s bewitchment that must be at play, but also that only evil could come of evil, for we had lost Yohanan who was innocent and still not much more than a child. It was amazing to me that Yihuda hadn’t also made off with the common purse—Yaqob found it on his bed, though how much had been pilfered from it, no one could say.

  When Yeshua learned of the thing he seemed shaken in a way we had never before seen. Zabdi, the father of Yohanan, came to us at Shimon’s house and charged that Yeshua had led his son into corruption; and when he had gone Yeshua bemoaned the humiliation we had brought onto him.

  One of the twelve said, But it was you who brought Yihuda among us.

  And so my own poverty is revealed to me, Yeshua said, if he who understands is the one who leaves and you, who do not, remain.

  Astounded, Yaqob said, We’ve always followed you in your teachings, when Yihuda did not. Even now, though my brother is gone, I’m here.

  So you too blame your brother’s loss on me, Yeshua said.

  I blame it on his weakness.

  I stood in fear of my life then at the pact I had made with the Canaanite, sure that it lay behind our derangement. As soon as we had disbanded I set off at once for Bet Ma’on, praying to the Lord that what had been done could be undone.

  When I arrived at Simon’s house, however, I found him deathly ill and delirious, lying in his own filth in his blackened hovel. For a moment, in my desperation, I thought simply to leave him there to die, and thus free us of his spell. But by now it was clear to me that evil only fed on itself, and that even Simon’s illness must be part of the evil I myself had planted in him. I ministered to him in what way I could, washing the filth from him and feeding him a crust of bread that I found. Then I returned to Kefar Nahum with all due speed to fetch Yeshua to cure him, travelling without once stopping to rest though the sun was at its height.

  In my distress I was prepared to confess to Yeshua my entire crime and to throw myself at his mercy. But though he knew what nature of man Simon was, he did not ask what my business with him had been or how I had found myself at his home, but merely followed me without question. From Kefar Nahum it was a two hours’ journey back to Bet Ma’on, and it would have been longer still had we not gone by the back ways, since it was impossible now for Yeshua to step from his gate without being surrounded by supplicants. Nonetheless he and I hardly spoke, nor in the end did I dare to breathe any word of the truth to him since he seemed still in the temper in which we had left him earlier in the day.

  When we arrived at Simon’s house Yeshua promptly set to work to cure the man, cooling him with damp cloths and making a brew for him from herbs he found in Simon’s own garden. Of the filth in which Simon lived, and of the idols strewn throughout his house and even in his field, Yeshua said nothing, nor of the parcels wrapped in cloth or leaves, one of which I now recognized as my own, that lay in crude niches in the wall.

  Yeshua sent me into town to fetch food from one of the houses where we were known. However, when Yeshua’s followers heard he was nearby they insisted on accompanying me back to him. They were surprised when I stopped at the house of the Canaanite, and refused to come close.

  Yeshua came out to the doorway and, seeing how his followers hung back, said, Your faith must be weak if you think merely breathing the air of a heathen’s house will corrupt you. A moment later, to my amazement, Simon himself appeared in the door, pale but standing, when I had left him delirious not a half-hour before.

  I said to the others, He has cured him.

  But my first thought was, Now my crime will be known. Simon, however, looked at me and didn’t seem to recognize me, and in a moment returned to his bed.

  I made some food for him and he ate it, then fell deep into sleep. It was nearly dark by this time. I said to Yeshua that he should spend the night at my father’s house in Migdal, which was close, and he agreed to this, leaving Simon to the care of one of his followers from Bet Ma’on. So I thought that I had escaped with my crime undetected. But the following morning Simon, completely cured now, appeared at my father’s gate not long after dawn, having tracked us down. When Yeshua came out to him he immediately fell prostrate, calling out every sort of thanks and praise to Yeshua for having saved his life and offering to serve him in whatever way he wished.

  Get up, Yeshua said, but Simon remained at his feet, even kissing them. My father said, He is a pagan, not wanting Yeshua to be profaned, and Yeshua reprimanded him, saying, Isn’t your own wife a pagan, who has never profaned me but shown me respect. At this my father held his tongue. But I knew he had meant that Simon was a sorcerer, and that what he praised in Yeshua was not the glory of God but only what he understood as the greater power of Yeshua’s magic.

  Because Simon refused to leave Yeshua’s side, Yeshua ended by bringing him with us to Kefar Nahum to meet with the twelve. Those we passed on the road were startled to see Yeshua in the company of a pagan and a sorcerer. Then when we were with the twelve, Yeshua said, See how this one offers me everything though I’ve only cured him of a fever, when my own men can’t stay with me though I promise them eternal life.

  Yaqob said again, We are here, and Yeshua relented.

  Then accept this man as one of us, he said, since he has shown great faith.

  We didn’t understand if he meant us to accept Simon only as a disciple or also as one of the twelve, which we couldn’t fathom, since surely he knew of Simon’s ways and that he didn’t follow the one God. But because of Yeshua’s mood we didn’t dare to question him.

  For my part, I stood in terror of the moment that Simon would reveal me to the others, for I was sure he had finally recognized me now. But he said nothing, and was timid with me as if he were the one held in threat. So a day passed, and another, and it seemed things would go well with us, since Yeshua was pleased to have converted Simon and had him sleep with him at the house of Shimon in the spot Yihuda had once had.

  Then, to our joy, Yohanan returned to us, much repentant. He told us he had only wished to see the city of Sepphoris, putting no blame on Yihuda for his departure; yet neither did he say anything in his favour, from which we understood that though Yihuda had tempted him, in the end he had come to his senses. Yeshua instantly forgave him, saying it was left to Yohanan to know what sins he’d committed; and even his father was quick to pardon him, because the matter was not yet known in the town and so he’d been spared any dishonour. Thus the conversion of Simon to our cause appeared a good omen, since it had brought Yohanan back to us and kept Yihuda away. But still I couldn’t rest easy with Simon among us.

  I went to Yeshua directly in his quarters, the first time I had ever done so, and said, Those who condemn you will say that you too are a sorcerer if you take up with one. But Yeshua said, in a tone he had never used with me, Woman, be careful who you accuse lest you reveal your own treachery, and I knew then that he had understood what had happened between me and Simon.

  At once my tears came, and my confession of what I had done.

  My lord, I said, and fell on my knees in front of him, I’ve sinned against you and against God, and he took my hands and lifted me up and said, There’s nothing you’ve done that can’t be forgiven.

  In that moment it was as if a veil had been lifted from me or as if the evil that had poisoned me was flowing away with my tears, and I understood then what it was to be forgiven, and how much evil clouded our vision until what was white was made black and even the simplest things could not be seen clearly. For now all the time of my plotting seemed like a darkness I had fallen into or like the delirium that came of a fever, though when I had been in the midst of it I had imagined, even as evil filled me, that I would be justified.

  It was only because I was
frightened for us, I said to Yeshua.

  But he answered me, I was to blame. I held Yihuda too closely.

  And he took me in his arms to comfort me in a way he hadn’t done since he had first come to us. My heart gave in to him then. For many days afterwards I still felt the press of his arms against me like the bodily mark of his forgiveness.

  When all of this had come to pass, it was as if after much struggle and despair I had suddenly reached the pinnacle of some high mountain, from where everything was visible. I saw now how the Lord had sent Yihuda as a test just as Shimon had said to me, and how in his mercy he had used him to save not only me but even Simon the Canaanite, who otherwise would surely never have been led to the one God. Then, because I had told Yeshua of my threat to Aram, he summoned him to reassure him he wouldn’t be betrayed; but Yeshua had not so much as opened his mouth before Aram broke down and repented of everything he’d done, saying that from the time he’d left us he hadn’t known anything except misery and ill fortune, and had every day feared arrest.

  You only had to ask for forgiveness and we would have granted it, Yeshua said.

  And Yeshua arranged among us to find him lodgings and work, since his family, by then, had long turned him out into the streets.

  I would never have believed that the matter could have ended so auspiciously, seeing that even Aram had been brought back to us. But I soon saw that the twelve didn’t understand the thing as I did, since they hadn’t passed through my ordeal nor indeed, thanks to Yeshua’s silence, did they know anything about it. Thus, while they were willing, for Thomas’s sake, to suffer Aram’s return to us, they couldn’t bring themselves to countenance the Canaanite, whom they considered beneath them. Secretly they went to Simon and said that unless he be circumcised, they wouldn’t accept him among us, at which Simon, however, grew mortally afraid. He asked if there wasn’t some other way that he could show his loyalty to our god. But the others mocked him, saying he hadn’t understood what it meant to be a Jew and to follow the Lord.

  They went to Yeshua and said they couldn’t accept Simon because he had refused circumcision. But Yeshua, seeing their contempt for Simon, grew angry.

  You only talk about the outer man and not the inner one.

  The law tells us there’s no inner faith without the outward sign, Yaqob said.

  Tell me who is more true to God, Yeshua said, the one who as an infant has done to him what he doesn’t know or understand or the one who freely chooses God as a man.

  No one knew how to answer him. Finally Shimon, who was deeply troubled by the matter, said, But without circumcision there’s no covenant. Without circumcision we aren’t Jews.

  Sometimes you have to be more than Jews, Yeshua said.

  Because of his anger the men wouldn’t press him any further. But afterwards they argued amongst themselves. I wanted to speak in Simon’s defence but felt ignorant of the law, nor did I think the men would listen to a woman on the issue.

  Philip said of Simon, He’s like a child, so how can he follow the master’s teachings. But Shimon rightly reprimanded him, saying, Weren’t we children when Yeshua came to us. Yet we’ve come to understand him.

  Indeed we saw with our own eyes how, except in the matter of circumcision, Simon had abandoned all his old ways and embraced those of the Jews. He had gone to his old home and smashed all the idols there and made a fire of the shards, burning even his house; and he had taken a horde of coins that he had saved from selling his cures and given them in to our common purse. With the twelve, though they still held him in suspicion, he was open and honest, so that in his innocence he indeed seemed a child, as Philip had said of him. But in being a child, he showed more truly than the others the love Yeshua had taught us.

  Thus I thought that in time even the matter of circumcision would come clear to us, as had so many others, along with whatever message Yeshua hoped to teach us through Simon’s example. And so it might have been had not Yihuda returned to us suddenly, with as little explanation as when he’d gone, saying only that he had been to the protest at Caesarea, though a good deal of time had passed since it had ended. We were all amazed that he had dared to show his face again, but considered it beneath us to question him, waiting to take our lead from Yeshua. Yeshua, however, though distant with him, did not turn him away.

  If you’ve come back, I hope it’s to be one of us and not to divide us, was all he said, and even Yihuda seemed surprised at this, as if he’d hoped for an argument.

  In the next days we all saw how Yeshua no longer raised Yihuda up as he once had, but was rather at pains to give each of us our proper place. This had the effect of bringing out a servility in Yihuda that had never been much below the surface, and of making him vie for Yeshua’s attentions. Having learned, no doubt, how Yeshua had publicly praised the Jews’ actions at Caesarea and the peaceful manner in which the protest there had ended, Yihuda was keen now to claim his own part in the thing, and to say how much further he had come in his understanding of Yeshua’s teachings. But if that was the case, it was still no mark of distinction in him that with all his learning he had thus merely done what so many others had accomplished more quickly with none.

  Out of Yeshua’s hearing, however, it was soon clear that Yihuda hadn’t reformed, because he wasted no time now in spreading dissension. He had taken an instant dislike to Simon the Canaanite, no doubt because he feared he had replaced him among the twelve; and so, learning of the controversy surrounding his inclusion among us, he seized the chance to prey on our confusion.

  Aren’t you afraid of people’s anger, he asked, warning that this was a matter over which the crowd might strike Yeshua dead. And he said it was only the fact that Simon had been a sorcerer that people could see, and that he remained uncir-cumcised, for they were too ignorant to understand when Yeshua spoke of what was outside and what was inside a man.

  The rest of the twelve pretended not to mind him. But privately they began to wonder if he had spoken rightly, and to fear for our master’s life. Then it happened once in Akhbara, beneath Tsef, that some of Yeshua’s old enemies sent their men to trouble him.

  Is it true that you teach the end of circumcision, they said to him.

  But Yeshua, knowing who had sent them, would say only that just as all things would one day end in judgement, as their own teachers taught them, so too would circumcision come to an end.

  None of them had any answer to this. But not admitting their defeat, they said, Even after the judgement there will be circumcision, since that is how the Lord will continue to know those who have kept his covenant.

  Now Yeshua lost patience with them.

  Do you think the Lord requires a mark of faith inside his kingdom, he said. Doesn’t he see into our hearts, and know us more fully than any mark can show. It was only because of the weakness of the Israelites that God gave them a mark to bind them to him, because if they’d been strong, their faith alone would have been enough.

  At this the men had their excuse and began to stir up the crowd against him, saying, See how he insults Abraham and our fathers, and calling for him to be punished. Some of them went so far as to throw stones, and one of these struck him. But because Yeshua did not turn and run as they’d expected but held his ground, they lost courage.

  Shimon, however, was made very concerned by these events and afterwards took Simon aside and explained to him how he had brought his master’s life into danger, which until then Simon hadn’t understood. In this way he convinced him to receive the mark, for the good of us all. To avoid those who hated us and spare from criticism those who loved us, Shimon wouldn’t go to the teachers in our towns to have the matter looked to but only to the priest in Tiberias. Simon balked at this, thinking he wouldn’t come out alive from that place, since it was believed even by the pagans to be cursed. In the end I was enlisted to accompany him to bring him comfort, for because I had been present at his cure, he showed a deep trust in me, unwarranted though it was.

  So it came
about that I entered Tiberias, whose gates I had never passed through though as a child I had watched the city rise up from nothing in the slopes beyond Migdal. Shimon and Simon came for me by boat but we went the rest of the way to the city on foot, to avoid the harbour tax and the risk that the boat would be stolen or ruined, as often happened there. I was under orders from Shimon to keep my face covered and my eyes downcast, and so my impression of the city was only of the noise of carts and passersby and of the blinding glare of white stone, so different from the black of our villages. I felt a double disgrace in being there, because it was Herod’s place, and built over the bones of the dead, and because I knew we didn’t have Yeshua’s sanction for what we’d undertaken, though I had gone along with the thing because, like the others, I was afraid for his life.

  Simon didn’t speak a word from the time we entered the city and indeed looked even more terrified than I was at the confusion and noise, like an animal who had been brought in from the wild. Shimon led us quickly through the streets to the quarter where the Jews lived, passing by the palace, which was heavily guarded and gave onto a vast open square. There was a view out over the lake there that made it seem utterly alien from the lake I gazed out to every morning from my own front stoop, framed as it was within the city’s strange white monuments and colonnades and forbidden icons.

  The assembly house that we finally arrived at, though faced in limestone, was hardly much grander than the one at Kefar Nahum, with a small portal that came out to a street where merchants had their shops. Further on, however, off a courtyard covered in white paving stones, was a larger building that we were told was the home of the Levite under whose patronage the assembly house was held. The doorway was framed by two massive animals carved from rock—lions, as I imagined them, or bears, though I had never seen them—which I was astonished to see in the house of a priest and a Jew. Then a servant came to the door and I saw that the floor of the entrance hall was covered in bits of coloured stone that also formed images.